You know that old saying about honest being the best policy? Yeah. I don't, in principle, disagree with that. Especially when it comes to talking with an adoption worker. They always tell you that you should be honest with your caseworker, and I believe that, too. After all, they should, in theory, want the same thing as you: to match you to the best possible child for your family. If you lie to them, and try to only show them the good things, then they aren't getting the full picture. Personally, I see this as a potential disaster in the making. On the other hand, caseworkers are human, too. They have their own preconceived notions about a variety of things. Sometimes I think they have even more than most of the other social workers I've had the pleasure to work with in my life. Or maybe its that the sort of women (most of the ones I've met are women) who are drawn to working with adoption agencies tend to come from a certain socio-religious standpoint. Not surprising, since the adoption agencies are, by and large, Christian organizations.
Here in Lansing, there are five licensed agencies to do homestudies. One is through a tribal authority who only works with native families and native youth. The other four are Child and Family Charities, St. Vincent Catholic Charities, Lutheran Social Services, and Bethany Christian Services.
See the similarity? Remember how I said I was Heathen? Honesty is still the best policy. Here's the test on whether I can work with an agency. The conversation goes something like this:
Me: I understand that 99% of the kids in the foster system are at least nominally Christian. They'll fall somewhere on a spectrum. On one side of the spectrum are the kids who desperately want a family who will buy them Christmas presents. They aren't really believers so much as they've grown up in a culture that prizes Christmas as a time for families to come together and they have never had that, or haven't had it in a long time. The other end of this spectrum are the true believers. The ones who, if you ask them for their top three wishes might say something like 'I wish I could go back in time and meet Jesus' or that say they want a real Christian family to go to church with. As a non-Christian (I don't usually bother with the exact flavor of non-Christian as it's pretty meaningless to them), I don't mind the first scenario, but neither the child nor I would be very happy with the second. I don't want to adopt a child who's going to want to save me. It wouldn't be a good fit.
Now, the caseworker can have one of two reactions. Either they get it, or they say something inane, like the woman who said in response: but you'd still take them to church, right?
... what part of not Christian did she miss? Or that a child who wants to go to church isn't going to be happy in my home? No. I'm not going to take them to church. At least not a church they'd recognize as such....
Yet I feel strongly that the caseworker should know this.
Here's another thing they need to know. I'm not organized. My life isn't structured. I don't have a normal schedule. I don't have a 9-5 job. Some nights, I work until 10. Some days I don't go in until noon. I have a lot of flexibility in my job, but it is anything but normal hours. What this means is I won't have to miss fieldtrips. Or piano recitals. I can be a room mom and a guest speaker and a volunteer. But it also means that a kid who needs to have the same routine everyday isn't going to thrive in my world. Sure, my roommate has that 9-5 job, but I don't.
So should I lie about that? No, I don't think I should. Because again, I want a successful placement, and I feel pretty strongly that being honest about things will allow that to happen. So why does it sometimes feel like the caseworker wants me to lie about myself and my life? Not that I expect anyone to have an answer for that.
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